Sunday, May 10, 2015

An Unconventional Mother's Day

Not that much of my life is conventional in the first place, Mother's Day is where I really step out of the box.

While most moms want chocolates or coffee or breakfast in bed or will-someone-else just-cook-once-this-year-dammit-darn it, I face reality head-on (sometimes collision head-on).  While I know I could sit and relax and not do dishes or vacuum or make the bed (like I would any other day of the week - pfsh), then I would just have to do twice the amount on the Monday following Mother's Day.

Yeah, not interested.

So in the 16 years I have let my child live been a mother, I have come up with some not-so conventional Mother's Day requests.

1999 and 2000 - One and two years into the whole Motherhood thing - I wanted cash, and gas in the car to go shopping by myself.  For me.  Without a diaper bag.  With nothing and no one latched on to my ...anyways.  For HOURS.  I stayed out until dinner, which I came home and it was cooked for me.  Bliss.

2001 - 2004 - I wanted the kid and the husband to leave the house.  Without me.  For HOURS. I got the TV and the remote and the CD Changer (remember those?) and I could start a project and come back to it four hours later to finish it without having to move it out of the reach of little hands FOUR TIMES in an hour.  And the requirement was still to bring dinner home with them when they came back (hours later).

2005 - This is where things really started off the convention train - I wanted to mow the pasture.  By myself.  On the big tractor that intimidated me.  The Hubs was required to do the perimeter stuff because I sort of manage to miscalculate the angle of the 5 foot mower behind the tractor and the fence.  In case you are not an experienced pasture-mower, that is one hell of a mess and requires most of the tools in the tool box, a chain saw and a come-along.  This way I could put in ear buds and mow for hours and no one is going to bug me!  More Bliss.

2006 - This train derailed a bit because I got stuck with the kid and an unlevel floor in the laundry room that had to be leveled and tiled before the Hubs and his dad brought home my new (read: it will work, now) washer and dryer.  I still required someone else to cook dinner.  And the kid fell asleep in the Lazy Boy.

2007 - 2014 - Some version of the leave-me-the-hell-alone in my own house, or give me cash to get away.  With coffee in the morning, and dinner made by someone else.

2015 - This one has to top them all (naturally).  No chocolates, no get aways, no going aways, I don't even care about dinner.  Okay, that last one is a crock.  Nope, this year I want the two butthole roosters and the yakkity female turkey - um - butchered.  (Sorry to those out there who don't know where your meat comes from:  At some point the saran wrapped boneless breasts for your cordon blue, has to be butchered.  I don't like, like it either, but I do like to eat.)  The roosters are absolute jerks to the hens and I'm tired of listening to the hens screeching all the live long day.  The turkey was born and bred as a meat turkey and is getting so big her legs are going to snap.  So they need to go.  But my family HATES this part of farming (not like I'm real fond of it either) but it has to be done.  We keep stalling. So what other way to show mom you love her than...  well, you know.

Feast at our house tonight.

For all of you who love the chocolates and cards and flowers, bless you.  You are perfect just the way God made you.  And I'm perfect the way God made me.

So there.

Have a great Mother's Day and celebrate however you want.  It's your day.

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